"KADOSH" - THE REAL STORY
by Susanne Kest
Though I haven't seen the film "Kadosh", and do not plan to, publicity
about
the movie has made it clear to me that it contains much misinformation
about
Jewish women.
I am a Jewish woman, and one who could be called by that favorite
ever-so-subtle pejorative used by much of the media - "ultra-Orthodox".
I
am a wife, too, a mother of children ranging in age at present from
twenty
to two, and a teacher - of high school chemistry and adult Jewish
studies.
Mainly, I teach women the laws and philosophy of Jewish marriage. And
so
the issue of Jewish women is of deep concern to me.
I am not interested in taking any particular reviewer to task for his or
her
ignorant slurs of a community. Suffice it to say that negative
falsehoods
of the sort that has appeared in "Kadosh"'s wake would scarcely be
tolerated
were they directed at most any other ethnic group, and stray far indeed
from
any model of responsible reporting. Nor do I wish to challenge those
responsible for the production of this film. They, like the proverbial
light
bulb that needs but one psychologist, would have to really want to
change;
not very likely. These are people with powerful personal agendas,
determined to fight what threatens their spiritual complacency.
It is rather sincere, searching Jewish women whom I address. Because it
pains me no end to think that someone might actually believe the film's
producer's bad dream presented as a portrayal of women and marriage in
the
"ultra-Orthodox" Jewish world. What movie reviewer Stephen Holden of
the
New York Times (February 16) characterized as Orthodox "mysogyny" and
the
Orthodox "fear and loathing of sex that originates largely from a
primitive
notion of women's bodies as essentially unclean" is ultra-asinine. He,
sadly, hasn't a clue about his subject.
Judaism views the physical relationship between husband and wife as an
intensely private domain of sanctity. Far from fear and loathing,
Judaism
strongly encourages intensity of the physical pleasure shared between
husband and wife. The subtle concept of ritual purity relates as well to
men
and has alludes at its root to the difficult state humanity finds itself
in,
where the second law of thermodynamics reigns; where, unfortunately, we
are
still all subject to death and decay. It isn't a male/female thing, but
a
human thing.
The monthly separation and reunion of husband and wife that is
necessitated
as a result creates an astounding phenomenon. In stark contrast to the
reality of life in the secular world, Torah-observant couples enjoy
healthy,
vigorous and intensely pleasurable relationships for not months or years
but
decades into a marriage. Highly educated and successful secular women
have
told me that this was the very driving force that brought them to seek
out
information on becoming observant, that resulted in their adoption of
the
committed life of an Orthodox Jew.
The ebb and flow of the physical component of husband-wife relationships
is
intuitive to many women, and is what lies at the heart of Jewish
religious
law.
Even at the most simple level, self-respecting women want a relationship
in
which trust and respect abounds. They want to be adored for their
physical
selves but above all for their inner selves. They want a mate that only
has
eyes for his wife and is committed to sharing his life with her.
Someone
with a deep sense of responsibility to her and to the family they hope
to
raise together. Where might one find such a thing? On the casting
couches
of Hollywood (or Tel Aviv)? At Beverly Hills plastic surgeons? On "Who
Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?"?
It can be found in the "ultra-Orthodox" community, where men, women and
children work together toward a common higher purpose.
For thousands of years, while the rest of the "enlightened" world kept
itself busy with unspeakable horrors, the sages of the Torah have been
sensitive to and protective of women's concerns and needs. They laid
the
obligation to provide physical satisfaction at the feet of the husband
in
the marriage bond. In what other society is that the case?
Why is this so surprising to so many? Because we Orthodox Jews still
cling
to a concept called modesty. In the age of webcam, we attempt to lead
lives
inwardly. When you see us from the outside, you see separation between
the
sexes and restraint in behavior and dress. Nothing, though, more
effectively focuses the intensity of human love and passion on its
rightful
place, the ultimate human relationship which is a marriage.
As a mentor of mine often says, rarely if ever has there been a
generation
as highly intelligent and highly educated as ours, yet as highly
confused.
I pray that my fellow Jews, whatever their affiliations or levels of
observance, will not be misled by what so much of the media spews out
for
its own ends. I pray we all have the objectivity and courage to search
for
the truth.
AM ECHAD RESOURCES
[Susanne Kest writes from Los Angeles.]
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